Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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