Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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