i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
