Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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