Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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