Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
