so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
