i wish my penis had a tongue
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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