Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
