Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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