She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
