I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
