I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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