he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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