Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
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drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
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Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad