Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
