Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
