I will die if light touches me.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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