OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I cockslap morals
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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