Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
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My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
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It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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