I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
