There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
