She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
