How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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