"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just pee around me
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
