I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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