I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
