Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
