Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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