BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
