I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
