that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
