well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
