Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
