i think i have two assholes
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
