Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
