Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
