I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Non-Jews are for practice
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
