I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
