Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Less talking, more tequila
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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