By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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