My sheets look like a crime scene.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
