I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
