so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
