I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
