Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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