Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ladies don't puke and tell
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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