between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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