he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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