I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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