Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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