I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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