what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
