If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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