You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
please come you make the beer taste better
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
porn star boner night. come get it.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
