I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
