I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
