I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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